Firstly I want to say that I think I need my own personal blog...so perhaps that will be happening at some point. Keep your eyes pealed. (peeled? does that make any sense at all? the expression doesn't make sense anyway...)
So I stood and shared today during the first service about the "processing" (that seems to be a pet word at our church, not that that's a bad thing) that when on for me after the youth retreat. For those of you not at the first service, I said that after the youth retreat, I was very convicted of my pride in a new and real way. I didn't go into detail, so I will now. Before I came to faith, I really struggled with insecurity. While that is typical during preteen and teenage years, it was something that really got be down. Being fairly quiet then (and still now, to an extent), I never felt like I got much attention. That's what I really wanted - attention, popularity, feeling like I mattered. After I became a Christian, I also became a lot more outgoing. But as I look back over the last two years of my life since I came to faith, I still see the same trend of insecurity: feeling frustrated when I wasn't noticed and trying to acheive that recognition in various ways.
I think I must have reached a subconscious conclusion that I would never equal most people in most ways: personality, academics, attractiveness, athletics, wealth, accomplishments. But there was one thing I could do a lot better than others. I could write. Yes, this was my comfort, my hidden weapon, the thing I reminded myself of when I looked at everyone else and saw
myself fall far short. I could write. Someday, somehow, I would be noticed.
This isn't easy to admit. Even now I cringe when I read what I just said. It certainly wasn't easy to discover in myself, particularly when I thanked God the whole youth retreat that pride wasn't one of my besetting sins. But He is so good to show us our sin and then forgive us. I want to tell people about this becuase I think it is the only way I can truly be humble. Even though I felt insecure, I never wanted people to know that. I wanted to pretend I didn't care that I didn't measure up. But "His power is made perfect in weakness."
Writing for me was a way to be better than the best. I love it, and I loved impressing people with my skill at it. People finally knew who I was when they read my articles in the Reporter! Not even that, they were admiring and complimentary! I defininitely got a lot more respect from peers and adults alike. I secretly patted myself on the back and looked for more opportunities to get my name out there. Part of it was practically, becuase I do want to write and it is important to get published as early and often as possible. But I was, in a sense, intoxicated with success. I didn't want to give up my dream of greatness, even if it meant giving up a call to missions or marriage or a family. None of that mattered if I could write. What I was really saying was that God's will didn't matter for my life if it involved giving up my one chance for recognition.
It's been humbling realizing this, even more humbling sharing this. I know that God will give me the power to overcome this sin. I do feel like a spanked five-year-old write now though. Please pray for me.
I didn't share these specifics during the first service today, but I did want some of you to know the details of my pride, particularly those closest to me. The retreat was great, the girls were awesome, but that's what I really learned and that's what is going to have the most impact on my life at this point. You can pray that God will show me how I can use my talents for His glory. He's been calling me to surrender them to Him for a while and I haven't been listening very well.
So there is my "REFLECTION."
